A TALE OF TWO CITIES

A TALE OF TWO CITIES
A 2-Pager by Ajit Chaudhuri

It is fashionable to dislike Delhi! Conversations with Mumbaikars, Kolkatans, Madrasis and residents of other Indian cities invariably boil down to what a cesspool Delhi is. They have a point. Yes, we are brash, cold and unfriendly. Yes, it is unsafe to be out at night, especially if you are a woman. Yes, the auto-wallahs are rude and, like everyone else out here, try to cheat you. Yes, we have a bad attitude to women and if we pass one on the road we try to squeeze, grope or pinch or, at the least, subject her to a verbal assault. Yes, we drive badly and when we crash up we fight – unless someone has got hurt, in which case we run for it. Yes, we are a bunch of fixers, wheeler-dealers and middlemen. Yes, we put ourselves first, don’t have a sense of community, and think that rules are for fools. Yes, yes, yes!!!
I like Delhi! Let me list out why –
One – while we are rude, we are equally rude to everybody. Nobody escapes the rudeness, whether you stepped off the train yesterday or came ten generations ago. The auto-wallah tries the same stunts, the person on the street is just as unfriendly, the touts are just as persistent! You can see the same injustice you had just faced being inflicted on someone else. Some jerk has rudely cut into the lane of the jerk that rudely cut into your lane on the road. It’s not happening only to you – it’s happening to everyone! It’s Delhi!
Two – Delhi provides a combination of anonymity with opportunity. If you work hard, you will do well – and nobody cares which part of Bihar or Manipur or wherever you are from and what your baggage is. The concept of an outsider does not exist because everyone is an outsider. For young people from small places, this is like a breath of fresh air that many thrive upon.
Three – Delhi’s women are by far the most beautiful. Yes, many may not speak and dress fashionably, and I also heard recently that society ladies here are even more fake than other cities, but – who cares about that?
Four – contrary to the impression that we don’t know the difference between culture and agriculture, Delhi has plenty of art, music, and theatre and this is mostly accessible to ordinary people.
Five – Delhi has the Metro.
Six – Delhi is six hours away from the Himalayas. Going to the mountains does not require planning and detailing, you can just go.
Seven – Delhi has a vibrant football culture. The amateur leagues are of a high standard and embrace football lovers of all types including students, working people and (ahem!) veterans. My own group has played together every weekend for years and years and we know that, rain, shine, fog, whatever, twenty people will show up with their boots looking for their weekly fix. And we are just one of many out here.
Eight – the food here is great, for quality, variety and value for money. Delhi is a city that has been settled by people from many places, and they have brought their cuisines with them. Afghan, Russian, Andhra, Frontier, Kashmiri, Punjabi, Mallu, Bengali, all are available and affordable. The food lover would have only one complaint – that there are no good Gujarati thalis available.
Nine – Delhi is generally not extremist in its viewpoints. One doesn’t have to say one’s prayers in the direction of the Thakeray-types of any religion, caste or creed to survive. And if India loses a cricket match, nobody will riot.
And ten – the state government is answerable to the people of Delhi. And though vote bank politics are the norm and plenty of pork is doled out, middle class interests such as the state of roads, electricity and water, the price of milk and vegetables, and the quality of education remain a priority whichever the political party in power. And yes, we get cheap booze and petrol as well.
And so, dear readers, you will forgive me for glazing over when hearing opprobrium being heaped upon Delhi. I don’t think I could live anywhere else. However, I recognize your right to express yourselves. The following section is on identifying a Delhi-wallah upon whom to do so.
How do you recognize a true Delhi-wallah?
We use extreme pejoratives as terms of endearment and affection.
We may not have been on the Metro, but we’re damn proud of it anyway.
Our first sexual experience was in a DTC bus.
We never give way to any vehicle with flashing lights and sirens, ambulances included. If they don’t have the ability to have traffic stopped, they are nobody.
We love our cars from the inside – the outside is beyond our control.
When we drop a lady home at night, we wait until she is inside the house.
Our hands and our crotches have a magnetic attraction to each other – wherever, whenever!
We are on first name terms with the President, Prime Minister, at least seven Union Ministers and the local thanedaar.
What’s the difference between us and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into Delhi-wallahs when they’ve had a drink.
Our views on Mumbai are similar to others’ views on Delhi.